3 Golden Rules of Communication

Most misunderstandings in teams are not caused by a lack of intelligence or goodwill. They come from assumptions, from looking for someone to blame and from arguing about who is right. That is why, before and during every important discussion, I remind myself of three rules:

1. Nothing that has not been said exists. What has been said, I take as sincere.
2. We never look for a culprit, always for a solution.
3. We never look for the truth, always for opinions.

Let’s unpack them.

1. Nothing that has not been said exists

Yes, I know – we are supposed to read between the lines. This rule, however, invites you to name explicitly what you read between the lines and what you sense from the other person. For example:

My assumption is that you’d like to work more with the team and spend less time preparing reports. How do you see it?

Or:

I sense you don’t really want to do this work, even though you accepted the task. How is it for you really?

The result? You don’t act on assumptions, but on facts that have been named and confirmed. You communicate transparently and, at the same time, you test how willing both sides are to say what they need or don’t want.

The second half of the rule matters just as much: what has been said, I take seriously and as sincere. If a colleague says “yes, I can do it”, I don’t twist it in my head into “probably not”. If I have a doubt, I go back to the first half and name it.

2. We never look for a culprit, always for a solution

This rule is key the moment something goes wrong. Instead of looking for whom to blame, you can say it out loud to the team, for example:

This and this happened to us. It’s a great opportunity to learn so we get even better. I need us to set aside an hour as a team to look at this situation. I want us to talk about what was done, and possibly by whom and when, and then, based on the facts, propose how to do it differently next time. I’m not interested in finding a culprit – I want us as a group to find a better solution so that none of us falls into the same trap again.

With this you invite the team into learning and growth. The person who made the mistake brought you an opportunity – and you, as the manager, are using it.

And what about the person who caused it? What has worked best for me is asking them to take responsibility for the damage caused – in proportion to their role. The team then remembers for good that every action has consequences. If you are consistent, people understand you are not after punishment but after learning – and that whoever caused the damage has the most work fixing it.

3. We never look for the truth, always for opinions

If you are after a result, you are interested in subjective opinions, not “the one truth”. Opinions let people speak freely without having to defend a truth that you or the other person believes in. When you share your opinion, you know it is your opinion – and it is easier to accept that someone else has a different one.

Truth is a tricky thing. An opinion automatically carries the responsibility of the person who voices it. It is easy to hide behind “the truth” – and that is exactly where most conflicts in teams start.

When you keep the discussion at the level of opinions and respect, the team can take the useful part of every opinion. Very often this creates a group opinion that fits the problem far better than the opinion of any single person.

How to use the rules in practice

• Before the meeting: write the rules on paper or into the meeting invite. In team retrospectives you can say them out loud right at the start.
• During the meeting: when you notice an assumption, name it as a question. When the discussion turns to blame, steer it back to the solution. When an argument about truth starts, ask: “What is your opinion and what is it based on?”
• After the meeting: do a short reflection (below).

Invitation to reflect

Use the rules to guide your communication in your next team or one-to-one discussion. Right afterwards, answer:

• Which rule did you use, and how?
• With what result?
• What do you notice looking back at the discussion?

This article is based on my upcoming book Management Essentials. I also work on team communication in mentoring and trainings.

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