Resolving Conflict in Two Steps

Most of us don’t resolve conflicts at work. We postpone them, work around them, or explode. And yet they often involve people we see every day. This article describes a purely rational tool that has helped me turn many such situations into agreements.

What a conflict is

For this purpose I define conflict like this: in a specific situation, you feel a strong negative emotion.

Three important things follow from that:

• The person carrying the conflict is responsible for resolving it – the one with the strong emotions. You cannot change someone else’s emotion, but you can change your own behaviour.
• A conflict is not about a specific person, but about a specific situation. If you were in the same situation with someone else, you would feel equally strong emotions.
• Conflicts often have layers. Once you resolve one, another may appear.

Why resolve it? To turn the situation from a conflict into a non-conflict and make it easier to work with people you meet often.

Two levels of resolution

• Rational – with the people you work with often, you agree on the most ergonomic rules possible to prevent your strong negative emotions and function better. This is the foundation, and it’s what this article is about.
• Personal / therapeutic – changes your inner patterns in that situation. This is the level that brings long-term, lasting change.

Step 1: prepare on your own

• Notice and admit that it is a conflict.
• Name how you feel.
• Describe the situation as specifically as possible, but impersonally: what it looks like, the way of communicating and the environment in which you feel the strong negative emotion.
• Decide whether you will open the conflict. It helps to name what will happen if you don’t.
• Prepare a proposal that is feasible for you and as low-cost as possible for the other side – a change in communication, environment or way of working. This is not about your comfort.
• Look for more options. Write down one or more proposals.

Step 2: talk to your partner

1. Describe the specific situation and the emotion it triggers in you. It is important not to blame, but to describe that this is happening to you. It is not about the person; it is about a specific situation, behaviour, place and time.
2. Ask: “Are you willing to help me find a solution?” If not, you can walk away and leave the conflict unresolved, or decide unilaterally how you will behave in that situation.
3. If yes, propose a solution. It is your proposal for an agreement. Ask whether it works for your partner and what other ideas they have.
4. Negotiate and look for a solution acceptable to both.
5. Summarise the solution you reached together.
6. Thank your partner for their time and willingness to find a solution.

What it can sound like

I’d like to raise something with you. When someone in a meeting takes over before I’ve finished a thought, I feel frustrated and then I’d rather stay quiet. It’s not about you – it happens to me in this situation with anyone. Would you help me find a solution?

My proposal: when I present, give me two minutes without interruption and we’ll keep questions for the end. Does that work for you, or do you see another option?

How the conversation can end

Every negotiation ends in one of three outcomes – ordered by how favourable they are:

• Agreement – my preference.
• Compromise – I avoid it, and if I accept one, I know why.
• Confirmation that we can’t agree – nearly as valid as an agreement. At least we both know where we stand.

And remember: an agreement holds for as long as it works for both sides. When it stops working for one of them, it is no longer an agreement. So it’s worth reconfirming it with your partner from time to time.

What this tool does not solve

When both sides are willing, the tool works very well between people who communicate often. Expect some closeness as well, and room for mutual understanding along the lines of “oh, so that’s how it is for you”.

What it doesn’t address is why the situation triggers strong negative emotions in you. With rules you haven’t really changed yourself – you have only created a less conflict-prone environment. And quite often, the same or a slightly modified conflict resurfaces in a new environment.

The real cause can be explored through coaching, mentoring, with a personal guide or with a good therapist. From personal experience, I strongly recommend it: once you understand the reason behind these emotions, lasting change follows – and not only at work.

Invitation to reflect

• Look back and name three people and three specific situations in which your emotions took over.
• Pick one relationship that matters to you and in which you meet the person often.
• Go through step 1: name the situation, the emotions, the consequences of not opening the conflict, and prepare a proposed agreement. Then find the courage and open it.
• Write down what you learned. What helped you – from preparation to the conversation itself? What is your interaction like now?

Fingers crossed!

This article is based on my upcoming book Management Essentials. If you want to go deeper, to the cause of your emotions, have a look at coaching.

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